So many times I blame my parents for working long hours. I was just a child, about six or seven years of age at the time. My parents were very busy and would make my sister and I go to our neighbour’s apartment to play with the neighbour’s daughter and also because they had a ‘houseboy’ who could look after us until my parents got back from work. My sister and I had been going to this house for quite a long time and nothing happened until this very day.
The houseboy took me to the daughter’s room and raped me. I’ll save you the details. I was young and as you can imagine, I didn’t know what to do but my body didn’t feel right. I remember just laying there like a brick. After a while he stopped because he heard the “madam” or “oga” of the house returning. I don’t remember anything after that; all I know is that he was really mean to me. I didn’t tell my parents because I was so scared of what would have happened if I told them, or whether or not they’d even believe me. So, I kept this big dark secret all to myself. Some nights I would cry myself to bed for fear of it happening it again, until I got to high school where I was able to suppress the feelings and emotions that surfaced whenever the thought came.
It took me ten years to heal but I wonder if I’m just saying that to console myself or if I have actually moved on from the bad past. So many times I wonder how my life would be had this not happened. I wonder why I don’t have inner hate for the men like other females who have been in my situation do. Is it because of what happened that I constantly can’t wait to have my own children and make sure I’m the best mother I can be; a mother who would be there for her children every step of the way? and is this why I always act so motherly? When asked the question, “are you a virgin?” do I choose to say “yes” because I choose to believe it was stolen from me and he wasn’t the right…for lack of a better word, ‘receiver’?
Why can’t I build up the courage to open up my family about this deep secret, like I have done with close friends?
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